You exist, and therefore, you matter. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold onto the truth that who you are is exactly enough. And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who makes you feel otherwise.
I’m such a fucking mess.
Let’s start there. A mess, a fucking mess.
I’m having such a hard time recently.
I haven’t been working my program. I am not close to a power greater than myself.
I traded booze for boys, romance, love, lust, drama.
& here I am again, feeling empty & broken.
That feeling in me is alive. I just want to reach for something to fill the void. Weather it be a drink, a drug, food, another boy, etc.
I’m so lost.
Sitting at the airport I am feeling a whirlwind of emotions.
Looking at the Pyramid Taproom bar in front of me, the little voice inside of me speaks up & tells me, ‘that seat at the bar is waiting for me. That an ice cold beer, condensation dripping down the glass sounds mouthwatering.’
I haven’t been to a meeting in a week. God willing I will have 18 months on the 10th of August. Traveling to Arizona where I will be out of my comfort zone. I feel worried & alone.
I’ve been having pain & have vicodin in my bag which I haven’t wanted to take because I know it will set off that physical craving & the obsession of the mind. That I will always want more & more will never be enough.
I am spiritually sick & I think I am setting myself up for a relapse.
Last night you told me through text that recent experiences with us have made you realize that you need to get closer to God. That you can’t depend people to make you happy. That you need to learn to depend on God & work on yourself so that in turn you can be available to make someone happy.
Basically what I get from this is that you may have been relying on me to make you happy & in turn have made me your Higher Power.
These are all the things that have also been going on in my head on my end. That I am relying on someone to make me happy & making you my Higher Power.
It sucks when you know someone is right, it sounds like you are listening to all the things that I have been struggling to listen to. It’s like the angel & the devil on my shoulder. I know what’s right but in turn I am instead wanting to do what is going to give me that instant gratification.
I feel like I am at a loss.
Today you call me & ask me if I want to go to the movies tonight. Which is totally messing with my head. This contradicts everything that you said last night. After what you had said last night I had planned to try to stay busy tonight, go to a meeting & then go to the gym. When you called, I didn’t show the excitement that I was experiencing over the phone. But the butterflies started & I was smiling from ear to ear. Yet & the same time a little confused.
That second I was pretty much ready to drop everything but once again I did not express that over the phone. I sounded unexcited & told you I’d call you back.
Will I do this to myself again, to you, & to all other effected. I probably will.
I am starting to realize that not only am I powerless over alcohol, I am also powerless over you.
I have a mental obsession & a physical yearning to be with you.